Appleton, Wisconsin

Joe's company is based out of Appleton, Wisconsin;  a small town in the middle of nowhere.

He brought up the idea a few months ago that maybe one day we could move out there because he always wanted to go back to the midwest.  But I told him that there's no way I'd move that far away! Delaware is my home, I'd miss it too much.  

The past few months or so we've been really considering purchasing a house, and just for kicks I looked up houses in Appleton. 

Holy crap!

You get about twice as much house for half the price out there. Ridiculous.

I was like, okay let me look up apartments.  $450.00 for a luxury 1200 sq. ft. apartment. 
WHAT?!

You can't even get the basement of a convicted murderer for that cheap!



I got sucked in.
Before I knew it I was looking up schools and churches and local fairs.
This town has that "small town" feel to it.  Joe absolutely loves it. It's only fair that I check it out right?




Our vacation is coming up soon and we've decided to spend a few days in Wisconsin and see how we really like it.  I've found a local church that we're going to attend, a few activities to do there, and I think if nothing else it'll be really fun.  He also knows a lady up in the area who has lived there for years and we're going to spend a day with her really getting to know the area.




My heart aches.

Everyday here is just a bad day...
I look around our area and the children and schools, and I don't want to raise my child in Delaware.


Having flight benefits is always a plus and I can hop on a plan anytime I'd like.






But I'm really starting to think the middle of nowhere is kind of what we need right now...

The waiting game...

It's been a little bit since I've written and it's because I haven't had a whole lot to say...

I feel like everything is kinda put on hold...


Since the beginning of the year we're trying a more natural approach to trying to conceive a baby.  I started taking the multi-vitamin that has a "baby in every bottle", had a reiki session, drinking my tea and a few other things...

I went to my initial exam with this new doctor last week and did an ultra sounds and somehow I ovulated on my own this month...

Was it a coincidence or is this stuff really working???

So, this was last Tuesday and if my cycle doesn't come on before next Tuesday the 28th, I go back for more tests.... So this week is just a waiting game.
Fun right?





As for my old doctors office...

This new place really needs my medical records so they aren't billing insurance twice for tests.  I was hesitant because I still wanted to have the surgery on my tubes and didn't wanna burn any bridges so to speak.  They said I can request my records just for my personal recods but they were going to charge for them, so I said screw it, I'm just gonna sign a release and get my records sent to them, whats the worse that can happen?

I get a voicemail about 30 minutes after the release was sent from one of the nurses.  It was the single most nastiest messages I've ever received. Basically, it went like this:

"Hi, Denise.  This is ***** calling about a release of your medical records to another fertility clinic.  I'm just calling to take you off our schedule for your surgery so we can make room for someone who actually goes to our office, Thank you!"

Are you kidding me?

What if I was just going to get a second opinion?? 


It pissed me off so bad, I called her back and gave her a piece of my mind and will never step foot back into that office.


People can be so rude...

Where's the motivation?

In 2010 when me and Joe found out we were going to be expecting a baby, shortly after I realized I needed a way to pay for the pregnancy.  I had a part time job at Target,  no benefits, nothin'! We didn't want to get married simply because I got pregnant, and my only other choice of insurance was to go through the state and get medicaid. 

I go to the little medicaid office and fill out paper work and get a proof of pregnancy from my doctor and they set me up with all kinds of benefits. I would have gotten a totally free pregnancy, all my visits were covered, and they were even gonna put me on WIC so I would've gotten food stamps. 
A little embarrassing, but hey, I'll take what I can get!


After the miscarriage my medicaid remained until I turned 21.  About 2 months before my 21st birthday, I realized my mouth was killing me and my eyes were straining. So I go and get my wisdom teeth checked out, and they tell me everything will be covered all I have to do is set up an appointment! Okay!  I get all 4 of my wisdom teeth pulled out, my prescription for percocets was free, and I got out of work to 2 days. Can't beat that right?

A few weeks later I make an eye doctors appointment to get them checked out because I was blind as a bat at night.  I go in there expecting to have to pay for my glasses, duh, and maybe a copay for the exam.  They call me back for the exam, tell me what my prescription is and hand me a case of 15-20 pairs of glasses I can choose from for free! Hell yeah! And if I don't like those, medicaid will pay up to $100.00 of the designer glasses.  Being the cheap ass that I am, I go for the free ones, and pick out a nice pair of glasses, and they fit them to my face, and I was excited! My first pair of glasses! They said they'll call me in 2 weeks when they arrive.
What, no copay?
"Nope, it's covered! Have a nice day."

Well, damn! Gonna cook me dinner too??




Joe started his job back in July of 2011, and when they handed us a benefits packet to fill out and see what different plans there are to choose from, I got even more excited. My first real insurance, I won't be embarrassed to hand someone my medicaid card.  We choose a dental plan, an eye plan, and a health plan. We pay a pretty penny for this insurance every month, but I thought it'd all be worth it.
Right? 
You'd think having a job and actually paying for your insurance would be a good thing, right?

WRONG!

The only good thing about this insurance is the fact just about everyone accepts Blue Cross Blue Shield.  It sucks that everytime I go into a doctors office, whether it's to pick up a prescription, or to tell my doctor I have a sore throat, bam! $15.00 copay. 
Okay, okay... That's not too bad, 15 bucks?  But, when I was on medicaid it was free....?!?!
I went to the eye doctor this week to upgrade my glasses and see about getting a stronger prescription because these ones I'm still blind.
I go in for my exam, phew! No copay.  But don't worry they still got in their sucker punch.  They hand me my prescription and send me off to pick out my glasses, and she gives me a cute little box to walk around with and pick out glasses that I like the style of.  I get about 3 or 4 in my box and I happen to see a price, $260.00!! WTF! I nicely go up to her and ask what my insurance covers or if there were any that were free that my insurance will cover.  She politely says, "No there are no free ones, but your insurance will cover $100.00 of any pair and then you pay only 80% of the remaining charge!" So you're saying my insurance that I pay for every month, barely covers anything...correct?
She told me they cover the anti scratch coating but everything else there are % charges for.
So basically I'd be paying about $200.00 for a pair of damn glasses...
Umm....What?







So what your saying is...

People who pay for insurance monthly, who have a job, and work their butt off,  are being totally screwed?

That's basically what it sounds like.

When I was on medicaid, life was handed to me on a freakin' silver platter. And now because Joe and I have real jobs we're being screwed out of thousands of dollars a year on insurance and co pays?




Now, I understand medicaid is there for a reason, and I'm not dogging on people who have it...




But, is there something wrong with this picture or am I just crazy?

Don't give up on me now...

I have donated blood plenty of times in the past 2 years. I like to do my part, people need blood transfusions every day. I'm a fantastic donor also! I can pump out a pint in under 5 minutes!  For those of you who have never given blood, they do a pre-screening test of about 25 questions. They also take a small sample of blood to see how your hemoglobin levels are. 

Thursday night was Joe and I's turn to donate blood.  We get there and get set up in our little room.  They start off by taking my hemoglobin levels and I am measured at 12.3 and you need a 12.5 in order to donate.  Are you kidding me? They took it again to make sure it was an accurate reading... and of course, it was.  What in the world. So, I couldn't donate and they told me to come back in a week..
Fine...

As I'm waiting in the canteen for Joe to finish giving blood,  about 3 minutes later he walks up to me and asks what I'm doing! I told him I was denied because my levels were too low and he said he got denied because he had a tattoo!!
What in the world is going on!
They obviously aren't in desperate need for blood.

We left and I was a little discouraged I couldn't donate.

I'm discouraged because  I feel like my body isn't letting me do anything I want.
Is that selfish?
It sounded a little selfish as I wrote it.

I can't be as active as I'd like because my back won't let me walk more than 20 seconds until I'm crippled with pain.
I can't have a child because my insides are all messed up.
And now I can't even donate blood??

Come on, body, don't give up on me now...



This past week or so I've been trying to take a more natural approach to trying to have a child.

I starting taking this new multi-vitamin which is for old people, but apparently there is a "baby in every bottle" haha.  And I drink a cup of "pregnancy tea" every morning with certain herbs to help balance out the body. 

It can't hurt, right?

Tuesday morning is my visit with the new doctors and I am crazy excited.  I feel like they are really gonna take the time to help us out.





Moving on.




Something has really been bothering me lately...

In my small journey to better myself and just all around become a better person.  My number 1 goal is to be more helpful.

I've always been one to help and care for people, that's just what I do.

Everytime I extend my hand to help someone, or be there for someone, I get snubbed and it's starting to really frustrate me. I sit here and watch people bitch about one thing or another, and when I hand them my help on a freakin' silver platter, they push me away like I'm inconveniencing them. 





If someone were to hand you a thousand bucks and told you to just take it, don't worry about paying them back, and don't feel bad about it. 
You'd take it right?


Duh.

People will do anything for a quick buck...

I've been going to this doctors office to try and have a baby since about October.  I chose them because there is 1 doctor, the staff is so nice, they know you by name and everyone is so helpful.
To know that they have totally and completely screwed me over really puts a dent in my happiness.
When we started going, I was told that insurance covers all diagnostic testing and procedures.  So for them to tell me that a test here and there are not covered kinda raised an eyebrow, but these people know what their talking about right? Some tests were put on hold because they had to be paid out of pocket, the surgery was almost had to be paid for, I mean, we've put a lot of freakin money into this place because our insurance didn't cover everything. 

The other day I called this new place because they do payments.  Their billing department spoke with me over the phone and she said things just aren't adding up.  She ask for my permission to call the insurance and ask if these tests were covered. I was a little hesitant because I didn't wanna raise any red flags to the insurance. She assured me nothing like that would happen and will get back with me.

This morning I had a very interesting conversation...

This new office is telling me all these future tests and surgeries will be covered, and all those tests I paid for before should have been covered.
Are you telling me these people lied to me to make money off me?
Was it an honest mistake?
How do you make a mistake like that.
But this leads me to my next question.
If they had submitted the testing and surgery to the insurance, they would have accepted it because it's covered...
Did they never submit any of this?!
You have got to be kidding me!

Needless to say, I have an appointment with this new doctor next Tuesday and will never step foot into that other office again!

Can you put a price on a child?

Okay here we go...
I've written this blog twice now. And each time I get close to the end my thumbs hit the mouse pad on my lap top and highlight something and the whole thing erases... UGH!
This time I am outsmarting this damn computer, and turning the mouse pad off!
Jeez...












Letting go of disappointment, keeping my head up, and staying brave.


It's a hell of a lot easier said than done...




This last round of Clomid failed to work, so Tuesday I had a consult with my doctor.  I got some really good news and some really bad news.
He said he will do the surgery for me, run it under a different diagnosis, and it will be covered by insurance.. YAY! The next step would be to start a different approach with medication. It's a medication (Not sure the name of it, I think he said FSH or something) that is 5 times stronger than Clomid, and there is a high risk of muliples on this medication.  Oh darn.... NOT! I would love to have mutiples lol. Unfortunately, this shot requires a lot of monitoring so I'd be going there more frequently which would raise a red flag to my insurance and it'd no longer be covered. Bummer... And they would do 2 rounds of IUI with this medication. Fun... So the price of this option, all office visits and blood work is $2,200.00. The medication is not included in that and depending on how much of a dosage I would need, it's anywhere from an additional $2,000-$4,000...
You've got to be kidding me....


Well,  I ask if there are any other options, because I tell ya what...we do not have that kind of money just laying around.


The other option is to do IVF and I'm sure you all know what that is.  But this would bypass the surgery, and I would no longer need it. Okay, well that sounds awesome.  So, I ask them...how much is this one going to run me?


Mind you, I'm going into this thinking I'm going to spend a thousand dollars, maybe 2.


These people tell me it's $8,000.00 for IVF.... Not including medication, program fees, and all this other crap. So a total of almost $12,000!! Now you've really got to be kidding me....
I'd like to know what people do for a living to just say "Okay sign me up!"
I feel like I'm buying a car!
The absolute worst part about all this is that they don't accept payments. Now okay, I'd be paying for my baby for the next 4 years just like a car payment, I can do payments, but $12,000 up front?! Come on...you guys are killing me....




Leaving extremely discouraged and about the size of a peanut, I go home and collect my thoughts.






Can you really put a price on a child?  If someone tells me I can't have a child unless I pay them X amount of dollars, I tell you this now, I will save until I'm blue in the face to reach X amount of dollars and make a baby. I've worked too damn hard to have money get in my way of becoming a mother. If you told me I can't have kids because of a medical condition, that's different, but money?
I don't think so...






I leave the house with this in mind, and I recieved a session of Reiki.  I've never had it done before but I keep getting told it's exactly what I need... Well okay if you insist :-)
I went in with an open mind and throughout the entire thing it was a feeling I never experienced before.  Being able to share your emotions with someone who knows just a handful about you. Being able to let them show you the journey you need to take to clear your mind and become at peace with your thoughts and how to manage them. I stood up, wiped away a few tears, and I felt cold inside.  And not the kind of "cold hearted" most people think of. But I felt like so much bad energy was just cleared away and my body can finally breathe in fresh air. 


I felt like a new person who could take on the world.


Combining that with a few breath prayers I was given by a special someone, I'm definately ready to take this whole situation on full force. I thought I was ready before and the difference between before and now, I actually believe in myself that I can do this. I will become a mother and Joe will become a father. We made a pact right?






What's my game plan?


I'm going to schedule the surgery. IVF or not, I want my tubes to be fixed. I'm going to ask this office again if they will work with me with payments, because if not I'm going to have to leave them.  I found another office right in Christiana Hospital that actually accepts payments for their IVF program.  If that is the way I need to go, then so be it.  I love this office, I love the personal touch I get there, and I love the one on one time, but what good is that if I can't afford to be there?
I may love the look and feel of a brand new Audi, but I sure as hell can't afford to drive it! lol


I'm going to give this new place a call and set up a consultation and see what they can do for me. Let's keep our fingers crossed that something good really does come out of all this :-)






I just want to thank anyone who has been a part of this whole journey... Even the ones who just sit there an listen, believe me you have no idea how much it's appreciated...




Keep your head up, and keep those fingers crossed!












Oh, and the mousepad thing worked... And I think I'm going to use it from now on because it stopped me from getting distracted and going to facebook. Haha!

We made a pact.

I've been trying for a week to write a blog.... and each time I started I got stumped on what to write or how I was feeling... But I finally got it.



A little background to my story:

When Joe first took this job working at Air Wisconsin, he said there was only so much he can move up in the company here in Philadelphia.  If he wants to go even higher he would more than likely have to move to Wisconsin.  I told him, "Hell No!" I was born here in Delaware, a majority of my family is here on the east coast, this is where I want to stay.  Just the thought of moving halfway across the US gave me anxiety.

This past week I am trying to let go of disappointment in my life.  Whether it be from past problems, grudges, or this whole baby thing (We'll get to more of that later).
So, I sat down to reevaluate our life.

We look around my little apartment, and we just reflect on everything that we do have, and don't bash ourselves for the things we don't.  I look back 4 years at my first apartment, how I had a total of 2 paintings on the wall (I bought in the mall for $10.00), a couch, a dining room table I got off craigslist, and a matress that sat on the floor. And I guess that was okay for then, but now I've got 2 little dogs to take care of, I've got a husband to take care of.  We've filled our walls with paintings and pictures of our families, we have bookshelves of all his favorite books and all of my favorite movies, a piano for Joe to practice on, a diningroom table that was passed down in his family, and we've upgraded to a beautiful sleigh bed. Well that's the the material things.  The love that flows through our tiny apartment is unreal.  We have so much love and care, we'd both do anything for eachother and others. As much as I'll miss this place, it's time to move :-). 

Baby News?

No...

You know that test we were putting off, sono something? The one that was way to expensive to do at first and I figured, I got pregnant once before my tubes can't be blocked.
Boy was I wrong.
We ended up saving up and had the test done last friday.
Turns out my right tube is blocked.   This can easily be fixed with a surgery.   Now if the test was not covered by insurance, I'm pretty sure the surgery is not covered either.  So, we'll find out on Tuesday what insurance says and what the doctors say...
But I feel like everything is stacking against us trying to have a baby. 
I'm up to 4 flaws of why I can't have a baby!
Hah, and I thought I was healthy...
But, hopefully nothing else happens, hopefully this is all that is wrong with me and after these stupid problems are fixed we can finally start a family.

Joe hates seeing me upset and cry and get stressed over having a baby.
But I asked if I can have 10 minutes to cry my face off...
He said yes, of course.
He held me and I cried.
And I surprisingly felt really good afterwards!



I'm back on my feet! I'm ready to take this bull by the horns and totally beat this thing.

He keeps telling me that when we finally have this baby... We are going to have so much love for him or her and we are really going to appreciate all the work that we've done to get them more than anything else in the world.

I'm glad we've never been "given'' anything.  I think that has been our plan from the start.  Work hard and you'll be rewarded greatly.  We're working our asses off to have a baby, hopefully we end up with 5 healthy ones!  We're working our asses off to get a house, a great big one in the perfect neighborhood and a pool would be nice! We struggled with that stupid car for a year and we finally get a break on our payment, hell yeah!
We've worked for everything we have and in the process don't owe ANYBODY ANYTHING!
It's a great feeling.

Let's bring you up to speed.

The other night, another disappointment came...
And I took a deep breath, and realized I think it's time to move.
I actually considered moving to Wisconsin.  I started looking at real estate out there and boy the houses there are beautiful!
And I did all that with no anxiety... So are we meant to move away? Get away from all the stress and disappointments here?
Or would that be considedered running away...
Hmm...



Me and Joe made a pact last night.




He's going to buy me a house, and I'm going to give him a baby.

No matter what!

:-)