Can you put a price on a child?

Okay here we go...
I've written this blog twice now. And each time I get close to the end my thumbs hit the mouse pad on my lap top and highlight something and the whole thing erases... UGH!
This time I am outsmarting this damn computer, and turning the mouse pad off!
Jeez...












Letting go of disappointment, keeping my head up, and staying brave.


It's a hell of a lot easier said than done...




This last round of Clomid failed to work, so Tuesday I had a consult with my doctor.  I got some really good news and some really bad news.
He said he will do the surgery for me, run it under a different diagnosis, and it will be covered by insurance.. YAY! The next step would be to start a different approach with medication. It's a medication (Not sure the name of it, I think he said FSH or something) that is 5 times stronger than Clomid, and there is a high risk of muliples on this medication.  Oh darn.... NOT! I would love to have mutiples lol. Unfortunately, this shot requires a lot of monitoring so I'd be going there more frequently which would raise a red flag to my insurance and it'd no longer be covered. Bummer... And they would do 2 rounds of IUI with this medication. Fun... So the price of this option, all office visits and blood work is $2,200.00. The medication is not included in that and depending on how much of a dosage I would need, it's anywhere from an additional $2,000-$4,000...
You've got to be kidding me....


Well,  I ask if there are any other options, because I tell ya what...we do not have that kind of money just laying around.


The other option is to do IVF and I'm sure you all know what that is.  But this would bypass the surgery, and I would no longer need it. Okay, well that sounds awesome.  So, I ask them...how much is this one going to run me?


Mind you, I'm going into this thinking I'm going to spend a thousand dollars, maybe 2.


These people tell me it's $8,000.00 for IVF.... Not including medication, program fees, and all this other crap. So a total of almost $12,000!! Now you've really got to be kidding me....
I'd like to know what people do for a living to just say "Okay sign me up!"
I feel like I'm buying a car!
The absolute worst part about all this is that they don't accept payments. Now okay, I'd be paying for my baby for the next 4 years just like a car payment, I can do payments, but $12,000 up front?! Come on...you guys are killing me....




Leaving extremely discouraged and about the size of a peanut, I go home and collect my thoughts.






Can you really put a price on a child?  If someone tells me I can't have a child unless I pay them X amount of dollars, I tell you this now, I will save until I'm blue in the face to reach X amount of dollars and make a baby. I've worked too damn hard to have money get in my way of becoming a mother. If you told me I can't have kids because of a medical condition, that's different, but money?
I don't think so...






I leave the house with this in mind, and I recieved a session of Reiki.  I've never had it done before but I keep getting told it's exactly what I need... Well okay if you insist :-)
I went in with an open mind and throughout the entire thing it was a feeling I never experienced before.  Being able to share your emotions with someone who knows just a handful about you. Being able to let them show you the journey you need to take to clear your mind and become at peace with your thoughts and how to manage them. I stood up, wiped away a few tears, and I felt cold inside.  And not the kind of "cold hearted" most people think of. But I felt like so much bad energy was just cleared away and my body can finally breathe in fresh air. 


I felt like a new person who could take on the world.


Combining that with a few breath prayers I was given by a special someone, I'm definately ready to take this whole situation on full force. I thought I was ready before and the difference between before and now, I actually believe in myself that I can do this. I will become a mother and Joe will become a father. We made a pact right?






What's my game plan?


I'm going to schedule the surgery. IVF or not, I want my tubes to be fixed. I'm going to ask this office again if they will work with me with payments, because if not I'm going to have to leave them.  I found another office right in Christiana Hospital that actually accepts payments for their IVF program.  If that is the way I need to go, then so be it.  I love this office, I love the personal touch I get there, and I love the one on one time, but what good is that if I can't afford to be there?
I may love the look and feel of a brand new Audi, but I sure as hell can't afford to drive it! lol


I'm going to give this new place a call and set up a consultation and see what they can do for me. Let's keep our fingers crossed that something good really does come out of all this :-)






I just want to thank anyone who has been a part of this whole journey... Even the ones who just sit there an listen, believe me you have no idea how much it's appreciated...




Keep your head up, and keep those fingers crossed!












Oh, and the mousepad thing worked... And I think I'm going to use it from now on because it stopped me from getting distracted and going to facebook. Haha!

We made a pact.

I've been trying for a week to write a blog.... and each time I started I got stumped on what to write or how I was feeling... But I finally got it.



A little background to my story:

When Joe first took this job working at Air Wisconsin, he said there was only so much he can move up in the company here in Philadelphia.  If he wants to go even higher he would more than likely have to move to Wisconsin.  I told him, "Hell No!" I was born here in Delaware, a majority of my family is here on the east coast, this is where I want to stay.  Just the thought of moving halfway across the US gave me anxiety.

This past week I am trying to let go of disappointment in my life.  Whether it be from past problems, grudges, or this whole baby thing (We'll get to more of that later).
So, I sat down to reevaluate our life.

We look around my little apartment, and we just reflect on everything that we do have, and don't bash ourselves for the things we don't.  I look back 4 years at my first apartment, how I had a total of 2 paintings on the wall (I bought in the mall for $10.00), a couch, a dining room table I got off craigslist, and a matress that sat on the floor. And I guess that was okay for then, but now I've got 2 little dogs to take care of, I've got a husband to take care of.  We've filled our walls with paintings and pictures of our families, we have bookshelves of all his favorite books and all of my favorite movies, a piano for Joe to practice on, a diningroom table that was passed down in his family, and we've upgraded to a beautiful sleigh bed. Well that's the the material things.  The love that flows through our tiny apartment is unreal.  We have so much love and care, we'd both do anything for eachother and others. As much as I'll miss this place, it's time to move :-). 

Baby News?

No...

You know that test we were putting off, sono something? The one that was way to expensive to do at first and I figured, I got pregnant once before my tubes can't be blocked.
Boy was I wrong.
We ended up saving up and had the test done last friday.
Turns out my right tube is blocked.   This can easily be fixed with a surgery.   Now if the test was not covered by insurance, I'm pretty sure the surgery is not covered either.  So, we'll find out on Tuesday what insurance says and what the doctors say...
But I feel like everything is stacking against us trying to have a baby. 
I'm up to 4 flaws of why I can't have a baby!
Hah, and I thought I was healthy...
But, hopefully nothing else happens, hopefully this is all that is wrong with me and after these stupid problems are fixed we can finally start a family.

Joe hates seeing me upset and cry and get stressed over having a baby.
But I asked if I can have 10 minutes to cry my face off...
He said yes, of course.
He held me and I cried.
And I surprisingly felt really good afterwards!



I'm back on my feet! I'm ready to take this bull by the horns and totally beat this thing.

He keeps telling me that when we finally have this baby... We are going to have so much love for him or her and we are really going to appreciate all the work that we've done to get them more than anything else in the world.

I'm glad we've never been "given'' anything.  I think that has been our plan from the start.  Work hard and you'll be rewarded greatly.  We're working our asses off to have a baby, hopefully we end up with 5 healthy ones!  We're working our asses off to get a house, a great big one in the perfect neighborhood and a pool would be nice! We struggled with that stupid car for a year and we finally get a break on our payment, hell yeah!
We've worked for everything we have and in the process don't owe ANYBODY ANYTHING!
It's a great feeling.

Let's bring you up to speed.

The other night, another disappointment came...
And I took a deep breath, and realized I think it's time to move.
I actually considered moving to Wisconsin.  I started looking at real estate out there and boy the houses there are beautiful!
And I did all that with no anxiety... So are we meant to move away? Get away from all the stress and disappointments here?
Or would that be considedered running away...
Hmm...



Me and Joe made a pact last night.




He's going to buy me a house, and I'm going to give him a baby.

No matter what!

:-)

Things are looking up!

About a month ago we decided it was time to refinance our ridiculously overpriced car.  They said "Sorry! No-can-do." Being self-employed has it's benefits but definately sucks when it comes to making purchases.  We chucked it up as a loss and we'll be stuck paying this car payment for a while. 
Well...

Joe had visited the bank the other day and asked to speak with the bank manager to see what she can do for us.  She took a look at my income knowing I'm self employed, looked at him, and wanted us to come in immediately because she can "work something out."

Unfortunately, this was last Thursday and because this weekend was a "holiday" we couldn't get a hold of our financing company to pay them off. So, here it is Tuesday, and I'm so excited to meet up with this manager and finally see what she can do for us. After filling out 3 million papers we have officially refinanced our car for half the interest we were paying before!

It's amazing the power that a manager has above the rest of their employees.


Finally, we've gotten a break!

Life is just throwing curveballs at us this past year or so and it's been so tough.  It's nice to see a reward for all our hard work and all the heartache that we've been through.


Baby News?

Nope.

But, I'm more excited than ever about it.
I found out today that even if we were to get pregnant, my body doesn't have the right properties to support a pregnancy, which explains the 2 previous losses. So, although we may not be pregnant right now, I'm excited to know that what it wrong with me may easily be fixed with a few pills (hopefully). And with the IUI, they explained that we can choose not to go that route is money is the issue, we can just continue trying the old-fashioned way especially since we've gotten pregnant before.

Luther Vandross, work your magic!


And now a quick rant.

I read this book once.  It was about a boy in a family of 3 children and he was the black sheep.  His whole family blonde hair blue eyes and he was total opposite.  His brothers made him feel out of place and his parents were no better. He was treated differently at family functions, he never got the same gifts for Christmas or his birthday.  He was just really alone. Although the love was kind of there, he could never help but wonder what it'd be like to be in a regular family. 
Which brings me to my point.
I see this very situation happening everyday with someone close to me, and I can't help but wonder why a parent would treat their children not as equals. I know I won't be a perfect parent, but I know all my children will be treated equally no matter how different they are.


So, in a nutshell. Things are really starting to look up for us...

Why is the world so overpriced?

Things happen in life for a reason and I believe it's to be taught a lesson.
Joe tells me day in and day out, God won't deal us anything we can't handle.

When Joe lost his job the first time, it was unexpected and really sucked, but we got through it. The second time really sucked, but we breezed through like champs!
Through the miscarriages I felt like I hit a wall, but we stuck together and here we are still trying.

The ups and downs, it's what builds character, right?

So, after getting knocked down time and again, Joe and I are good, caring people and now we have all this freakin' character, but I really just want a break...
My personality doesn't need anymore character!

I think I've finally hit the brick wall that just won't let in any more character...
Long story short, turns out we probably won't be that lucky in having children...
Things are more complicated than we thought when all this started.
The part that hurts the most is that the only thing stopping us from continuing our journey to have a baby is the fact we can't afford the insemination treatments.
I was really hoping and prayin and crossing my fingers so damn tight that this wouldn't be that hard and a simple pill will get me pregnant.



I used to watch these shows like The Little Couple and Guiliani and Bill, and my heart goes to them because they were trying to get pregnant and went through IVF and all that, but I am so sure that by allowing the cameras the follow them the freakin network paid for everything for them.  What about the average person, never in a million years will I be able to pay for IVF. Thousands and thousands of dollars that I simply don't have.  How do these offices expect average people to afford these things.  I thank god that I've only had to pay a $15.00 copay a few times a week, plus a few other odds and ends medications. My total would have been well over 5 grand without insurance.

Unreal.


I simply just don't have the fight in me anymore, and as bad as I wanna keep my chin up, I'm just heartbroken..


So, I guess it's about that time to call it quits with these doctors visits. Instead, we'll pay 12.99 on Luther Vandross Ultimate Collection, and keep trying to make babies the old fashioned way and maybe one day we'll get lucky?

Keep your fingers crossed...

The year is quickly coming to an end...

2011 has been a wonderful year for Joe and I.


Although it may seem like we didn't accomplish a whole lot, we surprisingly did!


We both graduated school and got a little business going.
We got married in June!
We both found fantastic jobs which believe me, is definitely a blessing in itself!
We may not have a baby yet, but we're well on our way!
We don't have a house yet but have set ourselves up so incredibly well that I believe by the end of next year, we'll be in a house!


It's just been a wonderful year...


So, this year I wanna start bettering myself and doing more things for others. In a couple weeks I will start taking the alter flowers at church to people in the hospital or nursing homes.
So that's a start, right?


I need to find my thing.  That thing that I'm really good at and enjoy doing it...


Hmm...


Time to begin the hunt!

I hope I'm not getting my hopes up...

Well guys....




I am so freakin' excited.


I went to my doctors appointment Thursday morning. I was so anxious and I didn't know what to expect.  Last appointment my follicle was 14mm and my estrogen was at 84.  And in order to really be excited we needed a 20mm+ follicle and 100+ estrogen.






16mm AND 203 estrogen BABY!






HELL YEAH!




Carol, the tech who has been with me, was litterally cheering me on while on the phone and she was so excited for me. I can't even believe it! I had to go back on Saturday to keep checking and keep hoping that everything is going up.






So, now we're waiting for everything to just fall into place pretty much.


I went back this morning for my appointment and the most amazing thing is happening.


I am at 330 estrogen and 23mm!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




Anyday now I will ovulate.


Anyday now I could become pregnant.


I am so excited, hopefully not overly excited.










My biggest worry is that we're going to miscarry again. I really don't think I have it in me to face it again. Especially after all this that we've gone through.  But maybe this could definately be our time because damn it, I'm ready!!




Which brings me to my next point..




It's really starting to get under my skin all the folks that are saying "but you're so young, why are you trying to have children?" or "I would kill my 21 year old if they were going through infertility treatments" and "Do you think you're ready to have children at such a young age?" and "Can you afford a child?"




Let me tell you what....




I am having children at such a young age..
#1-I'm don't want to be 60 years old going to my childs highschol graduation
#2-I am healthy now, why wait 10 years and risk the possibility of missing out because of health concerns.
#3-Obviously your child and myself are at 2 levels of maturity. Please don't compare me to the typical 21 year old.
4#-Is anyone ever really ready to have a child? Financially or emotionally? I accept the responsibility and I think that's really all you need to do.  If I wait until I can "financially" ready, I will NEVER have kids.


There are a million and 1 reasons to put off having kids.
But there are a million and 2 reasons why I can't wait to see what Joe and I's baby is going to look like.

It's amazing what doctors can do these days..

What a week!

Working like crazy, very tired...

Joe had surgery on his shoulder last week and everything went really well!  He is getting a lot of range of motion very quickly, I'm surprised.  He is going to have 3 little scars on his right shoulder but I was looking at it this morning and they are healing so well!

It's amazing what doctors can do these days...



Baby news?


No :-(


Well, Kinda.


So, I started the medication, Clomid. And you know all those little side effected that are posted on the side of the bottle that nobody ever gets?  Guess who got them all!! It was 5 days of hell!!! I won't go into details but believe me, it sucked. 
Well, I took the medicine from Saturday-Wednesday, and a checkup on Thursday.  No change in my folicles in my ovaries, no change in my bloodwork. I was a little disappointed but read online that it can take up to 5-10 days. There is still hope!
I went back the following Tuesday for my next checkup, It started off as a really bad day. My appointment was at 7:45 am, and I woke up at 7:40! I hit every red light on my way there, It was no fun... I finally arrived at 8:10 and was told to get ready, I said a little prayer that something would just happen. Anything, ya know?

My prayer worked. 

 During my ultra sound we found a folicle that is 14 mm!!! My biggest one to date is about 6-7mm, so finally, something is working in there! It needs to get up to 20 in order to ovulate and get real excited, but at least this is a start right?
She told me not to get too excited yet because we need to get my bloodwork back and see if it is producing estrogen. 
Okay, I understand. But I'm still excited!!!

Seeing that black blob on the ultra sound brought tears to my eyes, I can't even imagine what seeing a little babies heartbeat!!

About 2 hours later I get a call from my doctor saying that there was a spike in estrogen, from 34 (I dunno the measurement) to 86! She said it needs to be over 100 to do anything, but I have faith that when I go back Thursday morning, we very well may be over 20mm folicles and over 100 estrogen count.
Again, it's amazing what doctors can do...

Let's keep out fingers crossed!!!