Things happen in life for a reason and I believe it's to be taught a lesson.
Joe tells me day in and day out, God won't deal us anything we can't handle.
When Joe lost his job the first time, it was unexpected and really sucked, but we got through it. The second time really sucked, but we breezed through like champs!
Through the miscarriages I felt like I hit a wall, but we stuck together and here we are still trying.
The ups and downs, it's what builds character, right?
So, after getting knocked down time and again, Joe and I are good, caring people and now we have all this freakin' character, but I really just want a break...
My personality doesn't need anymore character!
I think I've finally hit the brick wall that just won't let in any more character...
Long story short, turns out we probably won't be that lucky in having children...
Things are more complicated than we thought when all this started.
The part that hurts the most is that the only thing stopping us from continuing our journey to have a baby is the fact we can't afford the insemination treatments.
I was really hoping and prayin and crossing my fingers so damn tight that this wouldn't be that hard and a simple pill will get me pregnant.
I used to watch these shows like The Little Couple and Guiliani and Bill, and my heart goes to them because they were trying to get pregnant and went through IVF and all that, but I am so sure that by allowing the cameras the follow them the freakin network paid for everything for them. What about the average person, never in a million years will I be able to pay for IVF. Thousands and thousands of dollars that I simply don't have. How do these offices expect average people to afford these things. I thank god that I've only had to pay a $15.00 copay a few times a week, plus a few other odds and ends medications. My total would have been well over 5 grand without insurance.
Unreal.
I simply just don't have the fight in me anymore, and as bad as I wanna keep my chin up, I'm just heartbroken..
So, I guess it's about that time to call it quits with these doctors visits. Instead, we'll pay 12.99 on Luther Vandross Ultimate Collection, and keep trying to make babies the old fashioned way and maybe one day we'll get lucky?
Keep your fingers crossed...
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
The year is quickly coming to an end...
2011 has been a wonderful year for Joe and I.
Although it may seem like we didn't accomplish a whole lot, we surprisingly did!
We both graduated school and got a little business going.
We got married in June!
We both found fantastic jobs which believe me, is definitely a blessing in itself!
We may not have a baby yet, but we're well on our way!
We don't have a house yet but have set ourselves up so incredibly well that I believe by the end of next year, we'll be in a house!
It's just been a wonderful year...
So, this year I wanna start bettering myself and doing more things for others. In a couple weeks I will start taking the alter flowers at church to people in the hospital or nursing homes.
So that's a start, right?
I need to find my thing. That thing that I'm really good at and enjoy doing it...
Hmm...
Time to begin the hunt!
Although it may seem like we didn't accomplish a whole lot, we surprisingly did!
We both graduated school and got a little business going.
We got married in June!
We both found fantastic jobs which believe me, is definitely a blessing in itself!
We may not have a baby yet, but we're well on our way!
We don't have a house yet but have set ourselves up so incredibly well that I believe by the end of next year, we'll be in a house!
It's just been a wonderful year...
So, this year I wanna start bettering myself and doing more things for others. In a couple weeks I will start taking the alter flowers at church to people in the hospital or nursing homes.
So that's a start, right?
I need to find my thing. That thing that I'm really good at and enjoy doing it...
Hmm...
Time to begin the hunt!
Saturday, December 17, 2011
I hope I'm not getting my hopes up...
Well guys....
I am so freakin' excited.
I went to my doctors appointment Thursday morning. I was so anxious and I didn't know what to expect. Last appointment my follicle was 14mm and my estrogen was at 84. And in order to really be excited we needed a 20mm+ follicle and 100+ estrogen.
16mm AND 203 estrogen BABY!
HELL YEAH!
Carol, the tech who has been with me, was litterally cheering me on while on the phone and she was so excited for me. I can't even believe it! I had to go back on Saturday to keep checking and keep hoping that everything is going up.
So, now we're waiting for everything to just fall into place pretty much.
I went back this morning for my appointment and the most amazing thing is happening.
I am at 330 estrogen and 23mm!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Anyday now I will ovulate.
Anyday now I could become pregnant.
I am so excited, hopefully not overly excited.
My biggest worry is that we're going to miscarry again. I really don't think I have it in me to face it again. Especially after all this that we've gone through. But maybe this could definately be our time because damn it, I'm ready!!
Which brings me to my next point..
It's really starting to get under my skin all the folks that are saying "but you're so young, why are you trying to have children?" or "I would kill my 21 year old if they were going through infertility treatments" and "Do you think you're ready to have children at such a young age?" and "Can you afford a child?"
Let me tell you what....
I am having children at such a young age..
#1-I'm don't want to be 60 years old going to my childs highschol graduation
#2-I am healthy now, why wait 10 years and risk the possibility of missing out because of health concerns.
#3-Obviously your child and myself are at 2 levels of maturity. Please don't compare me to the typical 21 year old.
4#-Is anyone ever really ready to have a child? Financially or emotionally? I accept the responsibility and I think that's really all you need to do. If I wait until I can "financially" ready, I will NEVER have kids.
There are a million and 1 reasons to put off having kids.
But there are a million and 2 reasons why I can't wait to see what Joe and I's baby is going to look like.
I am so freakin' excited.
I went to my doctors appointment Thursday morning. I was so anxious and I didn't know what to expect. Last appointment my follicle was 14mm and my estrogen was at 84. And in order to really be excited we needed a 20mm+ follicle and 100+ estrogen.
16mm AND 203 estrogen BABY!
HELL YEAH!
Carol, the tech who has been with me, was litterally cheering me on while on the phone and she was so excited for me. I can't even believe it! I had to go back on Saturday to keep checking and keep hoping that everything is going up.
So, now we're waiting for everything to just fall into place pretty much.
I went back this morning for my appointment and the most amazing thing is happening.
I am at 330 estrogen and 23mm!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Anyday now I will ovulate.
Anyday now I could become pregnant.
I am so excited, hopefully not overly excited.
My biggest worry is that we're going to miscarry again. I really don't think I have it in me to face it again. Especially after all this that we've gone through. But maybe this could definately be our time because damn it, I'm ready!!
Which brings me to my next point..
It's really starting to get under my skin all the folks that are saying "but you're so young, why are you trying to have children?" or "I would kill my 21 year old if they were going through infertility treatments" and "Do you think you're ready to have children at such a young age?" and "Can you afford a child?"
Let me tell you what....
I am having children at such a young age..
#1-I'm don't want to be 60 years old going to my childs highschol graduation
#2-I am healthy now, why wait 10 years and risk the possibility of missing out because of health concerns.
#3-Obviously your child and myself are at 2 levels of maturity. Please don't compare me to the typical 21 year old.
4#-Is anyone ever really ready to have a child? Financially or emotionally? I accept the responsibility and I think that's really all you need to do. If I wait until I can "financially" ready, I will NEVER have kids.
There are a million and 1 reasons to put off having kids.
But there are a million and 2 reasons why I can't wait to see what Joe and I's baby is going to look like.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
It's amazing what doctors can do these days..
What a week!
Working like crazy, very tired...
Joe had surgery on his shoulder last week and everything went really well! He is getting a lot of range of motion very quickly, I'm surprised. He is going to have 3 little scars on his right shoulder but I was looking at it this morning and they are healing so well!
It's amazing what doctors can do these days...
Baby news?
No :-(
Well, Kinda.
So, I started the medication, Clomid. And you know all those little side effected that are posted on the side of the bottle that nobody ever gets? Guess who got them all!! It was 5 days of hell!!! I won't go into details but believe me, it sucked.
Well, I took the medicine from Saturday-Wednesday, and a checkup on Thursday. No change in my folicles in my ovaries, no change in my bloodwork. I was a little disappointed but read online that it can take up to 5-10 days. There is still hope!
I went back the following Tuesday for my next checkup, It started off as a really bad day. My appointment was at 7:45 am, and I woke up at 7:40! I hit every red light on my way there, It was no fun... I finally arrived at 8:10 and was told to get ready, I said a little prayer that something would just happen. Anything, ya know?
My prayer worked.
During my ultra sound we found a folicle that is 14 mm!!! My biggest one to date is about 6-7mm, so finally, something is working in there! It needs to get up to 20 in order to ovulate and get real excited, but at least this is a start right?
She told me not to get too excited yet because we need to get my bloodwork back and see if it is producing estrogen.
Okay, I understand. But I'm still excited!!!
Seeing that black blob on the ultra sound brought tears to my eyes, I can't even imagine what seeing a little babies heartbeat!!
About 2 hours later I get a call from my doctor saying that there was a spike in estrogen, from 34 (I dunno the measurement) to 86! She said it needs to be over 100 to do anything, but I have faith that when I go back Thursday morning, we very well may be over 20mm folicles and over 100 estrogen count.
Again, it's amazing what doctors can do...
Let's keep out fingers crossed!!!
Monday, November 28, 2011
Who has it worse?
So I invited a friend over for dinner. I prepared a delicious chicken dinner with roasted galic and tomatoes. Yum! She walks in and goes "Ew! What's that smell?!"
What?!
Turns out she hates the taste of garlic. Well, that's just great! Because I just smeared garlic all over this piece of chicken because I love it!
I ended up making spaghetti!
Joe loves Stephen King books. And I don't read at all. I told him to pick out a book for me to read, but it's gotta be a small one, not these 600 pg. books. So he gave me "Carrie" and I got about 4 pages in and was bored out of my mind!
As most of you may know I'm a massage therapist. I get those client where I can dig my elbow into them and I'm basically sitting on top of them trying to work these luscious knots out. And they take it like a champ! Or, I get clients like my lovely husband, and he basically just wants me to rub lotion into his skin because his body just can't handle that type of pressure. Which is totally fine, I have no problem with either type. But everybody has a different pain tolerance and react to pain differently.
I guess this leads me to my next point.
Everyone has different tastes in foods and books, and everyones pain tolerance is different. Everyone has different opinions on every subject.
So, how do you determine who has it worse in life?
As you look at the 10 year old girl with Leukemia, send prayers her way, and send her gift baskets of sorrow and everything else under the sun. But, what you don't know is that she is so content with her condition and is a fighter and ready to take this disease on full force. So does she have a "sucky" life? Does she have it worse? Not in her eyes, because now she gets the chance to show the world how strong of a little girl she is and without this disease, she would have just been an average girl!
The 80 year old man who can't walk due to the arthritis in the knees and hips. He is in a nursing home and has people constantly looking over his shoulder. As you go visit your grandfather nearly everyday, you pray he gets better and is able to go out in the world, and you show him grief and sadness. But he doesn't look at it that way. He feels he is lucky to be alive. His wife passed away 16 years ago and never got to see her grandchildren grow up. He gets to sit in his chair and plays chess with his best friend all day. He's just happy to be able to see his family grow old with him,and have them around. He's happy he can afford a nursing home rather than being somewhere on the street. So does he have it worse?
Some people have the amazing ability to see the good in situations.
Everybody has a different opinion on everything. Probably 90% of the people reading this blog probably feel I'm the most annoying, whiney, judgemental bitch ever. And that's fine, because I'm writing this as a release, not as a dagger to any person and these are MY opinions.
I see others sharing their stories of different things like how bad their day was and I'll hear "man, they're just so annoying! Why won't they keep it to themselves" I feel they know their story will help maybe 1 person one day.
So, how do you determine who has it worse? How do you determine that someone is annoying? How do you determine that someone is in the wrong?
You don't determine anything.
To determine is to settle or decide. And nobody has that kind of power.
You express your feelings and leave it at that. Don't force your opinions on anybody because what's suckish in your eyes is gold in another.
I wish everyone blogged to express their feelings...
Because I tell you what, I feel like weight was lifted off my shoulders!
What?!
Turns out she hates the taste of garlic. Well, that's just great! Because I just smeared garlic all over this piece of chicken because I love it!
I ended up making spaghetti!
Joe loves Stephen King books. And I don't read at all. I told him to pick out a book for me to read, but it's gotta be a small one, not these 600 pg. books. So he gave me "Carrie" and I got about 4 pages in and was bored out of my mind!
As most of you may know I'm a massage therapist. I get those client where I can dig my elbow into them and I'm basically sitting on top of them trying to work these luscious knots out. And they take it like a champ! Or, I get clients like my lovely husband, and he basically just wants me to rub lotion into his skin because his body just can't handle that type of pressure. Which is totally fine, I have no problem with either type. But everybody has a different pain tolerance and react to pain differently.
I guess this leads me to my next point.
Everyone has different tastes in foods and books, and everyones pain tolerance is different. Everyone has different opinions on every subject.
So, how do you determine who has it worse in life?
As you look at the 10 year old girl with Leukemia, send prayers her way, and send her gift baskets of sorrow and everything else under the sun. But, what you don't know is that she is so content with her condition and is a fighter and ready to take this disease on full force. So does she have a "sucky" life? Does she have it worse? Not in her eyes, because now she gets the chance to show the world how strong of a little girl she is and without this disease, she would have just been an average girl!
The 80 year old man who can't walk due to the arthritis in the knees and hips. He is in a nursing home and has people constantly looking over his shoulder. As you go visit your grandfather nearly everyday, you pray he gets better and is able to go out in the world, and you show him grief and sadness. But he doesn't look at it that way. He feels he is lucky to be alive. His wife passed away 16 years ago and never got to see her grandchildren grow up. He gets to sit in his chair and plays chess with his best friend all day. He's just happy to be able to see his family grow old with him,and have them around. He's happy he can afford a nursing home rather than being somewhere on the street. So does he have it worse?
Some people have the amazing ability to see the good in situations.
Everybody has a different opinion on everything. Probably 90% of the people reading this blog probably feel I'm the most annoying, whiney, judgemental bitch ever. And that's fine, because I'm writing this as a release, not as a dagger to any person and these are MY opinions.
I see others sharing their stories of different things like how bad their day was and I'll hear "man, they're just so annoying! Why won't they keep it to themselves" I feel they know their story will help maybe 1 person one day.
So, how do you determine who has it worse? How do you determine that someone is annoying? How do you determine that someone is in the wrong?
You don't determine anything.
To determine is to settle or decide. And nobody has that kind of power.
You express your feelings and leave it at that. Don't force your opinions on anybody because what's suckish in your eyes is gold in another.
I wish everyone blogged to express their feelings...
Because I tell you what, I feel like weight was lifted off my shoulders!
Sunday, November 27, 2011
It's not my secret to tell...
Everybody knows Adam. He's that man that everybody just adores. He's tall, dark, and handsome, and extremely smart. He's the life of every party, and you're so excited when he calls to hang out. Everybody loves him!
Adam and I have been so close for years...
We tell eachother everything and enjoy eachothers company.
Of course, I am the one who finds out this secret about him that, and in the most sophisticated of words, really sucks! I stumble across this secret, so Adam doesn't even know I know!
He should have told me, he should have told everybody, but he lied and kept it all to himself.
This thing that Adam did, it's horrible, disgusting and demeaning. What he did hurt me on a personal level. Not just the fact he didn't tell me, but just the fact that he did it without a single tear, a single bit of heartache. I can never look at him the same, and for the past few months, I have been putting on a brave front around him trying so hard not to punch him in his face for what he did. The happy face I put on around him, can be seen right through because I don't hide my feelings so well. And people ask why I'm not happy for him, or why I make little snippets at him, or why I just don't care to be near him as much as I'd like. I just shrug and say I'm having a bad day. Now I'm the bad person for not liking the most likable person ever???
I could confront him of what I know, but then I can't pretend it never happened. What he did, in my book, I can't forgive and I definately can't forget. At least if I never tell him I can pretend I still like him and keep him in my life.
Why couldn't it be someone else to find this out...
Do I just suck it up? Because it's eating me alive!
What I wouldn't do to just scream this secret to the world...
But it's not my secret to tell...
Adam and I have been so close for years...
We tell eachother everything and enjoy eachothers company.
Of course, I am the one who finds out this secret about him that, and in the most sophisticated of words, really sucks! I stumble across this secret, so Adam doesn't even know I know!
He should have told me, he should have told everybody, but he lied and kept it all to himself.
This thing that Adam did, it's horrible, disgusting and demeaning. What he did hurt me on a personal level. Not just the fact he didn't tell me, but just the fact that he did it without a single tear, a single bit of heartache. I can never look at him the same, and for the past few months, I have been putting on a brave front around him trying so hard not to punch him in his face for what he did. The happy face I put on around him, can be seen right through because I don't hide my feelings so well. And people ask why I'm not happy for him, or why I make little snippets at him, or why I just don't care to be near him as much as I'd like. I just shrug and say I'm having a bad day. Now I'm the bad person for not liking the most likable person ever???
I could confront him of what I know, but then I can't pretend it never happened. What he did, in my book, I can't forgive and I definately can't forget. At least if I never tell him I can pretend I still like him and keep him in my life.
Why couldn't it be someone else to find this out...
Do I just suck it up? Because it's eating me alive!
What I wouldn't do to just scream this secret to the world...
But it's not my secret to tell...
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
The holidays are here...
The holidays are officially here!
Christmas music is all over the radio, Black Friday commercials are raiding the televisions, and supermarkets are racking up the price of chicken broth and cranberry jelly!
I love this time of year...
The other morning I woke up in a grumpy mood. I just wasn't feeling it. I was super tired, I had to drive across town at 8 a.m. and when I get in the car and hear the Christmas music, I get an instant smile on my face.
We will be putting lights up across our porch hopefully soon. And this will be Joe's first Christmas with a real tree!! I can't wait to see him out there laying on the ground and sawing down the perfect tree. All we need is some snow to make the season complete!
On a much less lighter note:
I had my back injectiong last week! It was definately not what I was expecting. It didn't exactly hurt, it was just extremely uncomfortable. I feel a million times better. This injection didn't totally take away the pain but it definately made it bareable.
And on an even more less lighter note:
No baby news yet :-(
Still going every few days to get poked at and it's just taking way too long! I'm impatient..
I've had so many things running through my head lately... a lot of things I probably shouldn't post on the internet. Things that piss me off more than anything in the whole world... Should I really care about peoples feelings when all they think about are themselves? Maybe I'll think of some code words and write the whole thing in code :-) Let me go think....
Christmas music is all over the radio, Black Friday commercials are raiding the televisions, and supermarkets are racking up the price of chicken broth and cranberry jelly!
I love this time of year...
The other morning I woke up in a grumpy mood. I just wasn't feeling it. I was super tired, I had to drive across town at 8 a.m. and when I get in the car and hear the Christmas music, I get an instant smile on my face.
We will be putting lights up across our porch hopefully soon. And this will be Joe's first Christmas with a real tree!! I can't wait to see him out there laying on the ground and sawing down the perfect tree. All we need is some snow to make the season complete!
On a much less lighter note:
I had my back injectiong last week! It was definately not what I was expecting. It didn't exactly hurt, it was just extremely uncomfortable. I feel a million times better. This injection didn't totally take away the pain but it definately made it bareable.
And on an even more less lighter note:
No baby news yet :-(
Still going every few days to get poked at and it's just taking way too long! I'm impatient..
I've had so many things running through my head lately... a lot of things I probably shouldn't post on the internet. Things that piss me off more than anything in the whole world... Should I really care about peoples feelings when all they think about are themselves? Maybe I'll think of some code words and write the whole thing in code :-) Let me go think....
Thursday, November 10, 2011
I look like a junkie...
So it's been the first week of finding out what is wrong and why we can't have children.
It's only been a few days and it's already wearing me out! It's so personal and yet so impersonal at the same time...
So, it all started this past Monday with our first doctors visit, and I wrote about it in my last blog so I won't backtrack.
Tuesday morning I went to go get the big bloodwork. yeah, that 30 some tubes I was talking about?
Well, it was only 25, I counted lol. They started in my right arm because I've been getting all my bloodwork out of the left, so it was all bruised. She puts the needle in and plugs in tube number 1..2...3....7....10....14, and it starts to slow down... and she goes "well, at least we know you have really good platelets!" I clotted the tube so I couldn't get any more blood out! So she switches arms and I'm dreading it because I know it's gonna hurt from all the bruising. It did! So heres tube 15.....18...22...24... and barely squeeked out tube 25, but we got there! They took about half the amount I would give if I were donating blood, so I felt pretty okay afterwards, but my arms were all bruised and poked at. Well, at least that one was finished!
Wednesday morning I go back to have a hysteroscopy, and my first question is, "Is this like a hysterectomy?!?" I get a chuckle, but no it's not. So, I'm sitting in this pretty comfy chair, waiting for the doctor, and he comes in and pushes a button and the chair turned into a table while I'm on it, my legs are flying in the air, what the hell did I just get myself into! Now, I won't get graphic, but basically they just go in and look around to make sure everything is fine. You can google it for the details! I left that appointment feeling very violated, but relieved that everything came back fine.
Well, this morning, I go back to get, yup, more blood work!
Bloodwork, ultrasounds, poking and prodding, and we're only 4 days in...
We have 1 test coming up...which is the most embarrassing test I think ever known to man. It's the "post-coital" test. Yup! We need to do it, and go straight to the doctor...
&%$#%&$#?!?!?!!?
Come on now...really? That happens probably next week and I'm totally dreading it...Not the doing it part, the going straight to the doctor part haha!
So, that's how all this fertility crap is going on but, it'll all be worth it in the end right?
My arms have knicks and bruises all over, and I look like a junkie. Joe said I should wear long sleeves for a while...
It's only been a few days and it's already wearing me out! It's so personal and yet so impersonal at the same time...
So, it all started this past Monday with our first doctors visit, and I wrote about it in my last blog so I won't backtrack.
Tuesday morning I went to go get the big bloodwork. yeah, that 30 some tubes I was talking about?
Well, it was only 25, I counted lol. They started in my right arm because I've been getting all my bloodwork out of the left, so it was all bruised. She puts the needle in and plugs in tube number 1..2...3....7....10....14, and it starts to slow down... and she goes "well, at least we know you have really good platelets!" I clotted the tube so I couldn't get any more blood out! So she switches arms and I'm dreading it because I know it's gonna hurt from all the bruising. It did! So heres tube 15.....18...22...24... and barely squeeked out tube 25, but we got there! They took about half the amount I would give if I were donating blood, so I felt pretty okay afterwards, but my arms were all bruised and poked at. Well, at least that one was finished!
Wednesday morning I go back to have a hysteroscopy, and my first question is, "Is this like a hysterectomy?!?" I get a chuckle, but no it's not. So, I'm sitting in this pretty comfy chair, waiting for the doctor, and he comes in and pushes a button and the chair turned into a table while I'm on it, my legs are flying in the air, what the hell did I just get myself into! Now, I won't get graphic, but basically they just go in and look around to make sure everything is fine. You can google it for the details! I left that appointment feeling very violated, but relieved that everything came back fine.
Well, this morning, I go back to get, yup, more blood work!
Bloodwork, ultrasounds, poking and prodding, and we're only 4 days in...
We have 1 test coming up...which is the most embarrassing test I think ever known to man. It's the "post-coital" test. Yup! We need to do it, and go straight to the doctor...
&%$#%&$#?!?!?!!?
Come on now...really? That happens probably next week and I'm totally dreading it...Not the doing it part, the going straight to the doctor part haha!
So, that's how all this fertility crap is going on but, it'll all be worth it in the end right?
My arms have knicks and bruises all over, and I look like a junkie. Joe said I should wear long sleeves for a while...
Monday, November 7, 2011
Damn lemons...
When life hands you lemons, you don't appreciate them as much as the ones you have to hand-pick off the tree you grew from a sprout...
Today was an unbelievable day.
First thing this morning we had an appointment with an infertility doctor. I was a extremely nervous because I never thought it would have gotten to this point. But on the other hand I was so anxious all week. I couldn't wait to finally see what the hell was wrong because damnit, I want babies!!!
So, we get to the office, and right away it gives off a warm feeling. I'm happy. We speak with a nurse and get all the basics down, and she was so helpful, and here he comes... The doctor who is gonna fix us! He walks in and immediately gets started. Asking all types of questions and drawing an awesome diagram. And somehow he already knew what was wrong with me and what we need to do to fix it! Apparently, I have very healthy eggs but I don't ovulate. He said it could be a simple fix, do a shit ton of testing and get me on some medication and we should have babies!!!!
Now, anyone who has gone through infertility knows how pricey these tests are. But in my book, it is worth every penny!!
So, today I had a set of bloodwork done, just 1 little tube, and I never bruise when I get bloodwork but this lady messed up my arm big time, it's all black and blue! I had an ultrasound to check my ovaries, and she said it looks like I have PCOS, so it is something to look out for, but not a huge deal yet. Tomorrow morning I go for a second set of labwork, and she said they are going to take roughly 30 tubes of blood....
&%*#*%!??!?!
30 tubes of blood?!?
Yeah, I think Joe will be driving me home after this one...
So, that is where we are at now.
After thinking long and hard about whether to have surgery on my back or not, I'm going to try the injections for sure first. So, tuesday morning I get 2 injections into my back and lets hope it works out!
I've taken a lot of things in my life for granted. This journey we're taking is really changing my outlook on life and really making me take a step back and really appreciate the things that I do have. I can't say that for a lot of people but... *shrugs*
Keep your fingers crossed!! :-)
Today was an unbelievable day.
First thing this morning we had an appointment with an infertility doctor. I was a extremely nervous because I never thought it would have gotten to this point. But on the other hand I was so anxious all week. I couldn't wait to finally see what the hell was wrong because damnit, I want babies!!!
So, we get to the office, and right away it gives off a warm feeling. I'm happy. We speak with a nurse and get all the basics down, and she was so helpful, and here he comes... The doctor who is gonna fix us! He walks in and immediately gets started. Asking all types of questions and drawing an awesome diagram. And somehow he already knew what was wrong with me and what we need to do to fix it! Apparently, I have very healthy eggs but I don't ovulate. He said it could be a simple fix, do a shit ton of testing and get me on some medication and we should have babies!!!!
Now, anyone who has gone through infertility knows how pricey these tests are. But in my book, it is worth every penny!!
So, today I had a set of bloodwork done, just 1 little tube, and I never bruise when I get bloodwork but this lady messed up my arm big time, it's all black and blue! I had an ultrasound to check my ovaries, and she said it looks like I have PCOS, so it is something to look out for, but not a huge deal yet. Tomorrow morning I go for a second set of labwork, and she said they are going to take roughly 30 tubes of blood....
&%*#*%!??!?!
30 tubes of blood?!?
Yeah, I think Joe will be driving me home after this one...
So, that is where we are at now.
After thinking long and hard about whether to have surgery on my back or not, I'm going to try the injections for sure first. So, tuesday morning I get 2 injections into my back and lets hope it works out!
I've taken a lot of things in my life for granted. This journey we're taking is really changing my outlook on life and really making me take a step back and really appreciate the things that I do have. I can't say that for a lot of people but... *shrugs*
Keep your fingers crossed!! :-)
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
21 and broken...
Well, today was a big day... I had the potential to find out:
1.) Can I have babies?
and
2.) Do I need back surgery?
Let's start with the first...
I had to go get some labwork done on monday to check all my hormones and all that fun stuff. The "Day 3" labwork is what they call it. They told me to call back in a couple days and they will have the results!
"Okay, doctor!"
I was going to wait 3 days just to be on a safe side, but I couldn't wait! I needed to call... I get on the phone with the nurse who has been handling my case and she looked up my labwork and asked how I was feeling. Well, I'm feeling fine, I mean a little hungry because I haven't had breakfast yet but, I'm fine, why?
So, now I'm scared... what is wrong that she would have to ask me how I'm feeling?! Nobody cares this much??!!
Turns out everything is normal. My thyroid count is a little low (hence the "how are you feeling") but all my hormones are within normal range...
You've got to be kidding me... 2 miscarriages and a year with no baby and you're telling me I'm fine?! Come on now!
Who can I punch?
So, the doctor will be calling me tomorrow with a plan...
*Sigh*
BACK SURGERY???
So, my post "bad healthcare" explains a lot of why I need surgery. The car accident. Well, today I finally saw that busy doctor that I was waiting to see for a second opinion on having surgery on my back or not. He recommends I get the cortizone injections in my back. Okay, but nothing is a permanent fix. The injections could potentially wear off anywhere from 1 week to 5 years (yeah, that's a nice time frame) and the surgery could either work wonders or not at all.
UUUGGGHHH...
Am I back at square 1? Because I really cannot live with this pain anymore.
So, I'm thinking what I'm going to do is try the injections first. My thought is I can try injections and pray that they work, you can't exactly "try" a surgery, it's a little too permanent.
So, I am going to schedule an appointment and we'll go from there!
Oh, and in case you were wondering, I did ask the question, "Will having a baby put my back in danger?" and "Should I wait to fix my back and put off having children?"
He pretty much said that pain in my back may become more severe carrying the weight of a baby, but it won't worsen my back in the long run and that i'll go back to the way I am now as soon as I have one.
YAY, I guess there is good news out of all this.
Time to make some babies!!
So, it's been one hell of a day...I've got a broken body and I'm only 21 years old. But, I guess I accomplished some things, but I still feel like I'm at a stand still.
1.) Can I have babies?
and
2.) Do I need back surgery?
Let's start with the first...
I had to go get some labwork done on monday to check all my hormones and all that fun stuff. The "Day 3" labwork is what they call it. They told me to call back in a couple days and they will have the results!
"Okay, doctor!"
I was going to wait 3 days just to be on a safe side, but I couldn't wait! I needed to call... I get on the phone with the nurse who has been handling my case and she looked up my labwork and asked how I was feeling. Well, I'm feeling fine, I mean a little hungry because I haven't had breakfast yet but, I'm fine, why?
So, now I'm scared... what is wrong that she would have to ask me how I'm feeling?! Nobody cares this much??!!
Turns out everything is normal. My thyroid count is a little low (hence the "how are you feeling") but all my hormones are within normal range...
You've got to be kidding me... 2 miscarriages and a year with no baby and you're telling me I'm fine?! Come on now!
Who can I punch?
So, the doctor will be calling me tomorrow with a plan...
*Sigh*
BACK SURGERY???
So, my post "bad healthcare" explains a lot of why I need surgery. The car accident. Well, today I finally saw that busy doctor that I was waiting to see for a second opinion on having surgery on my back or not. He recommends I get the cortizone injections in my back. Okay, but nothing is a permanent fix. The injections could potentially wear off anywhere from 1 week to 5 years (yeah, that's a nice time frame) and the surgery could either work wonders or not at all.
UUUGGGHHH...
Am I back at square 1? Because I really cannot live with this pain anymore.
So, I'm thinking what I'm going to do is try the injections first. My thought is I can try injections and pray that they work, you can't exactly "try" a surgery, it's a little too permanent.
So, I am going to schedule an appointment and we'll go from there!
Oh, and in case you were wondering, I did ask the question, "Will having a baby put my back in danger?" and "Should I wait to fix my back and put off having children?"
He pretty much said that pain in my back may become more severe carrying the weight of a baby, but it won't worsen my back in the long run and that i'll go back to the way I am now as soon as I have one.
YAY, I guess there is good news out of all this.
Time to make some babies!!
So, it's been one hell of a day...I've got a broken body and I'm only 21 years old. But, I guess I accomplished some things, but I still feel like I'm at a stand still.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Know Your Priorities
Caution: This may hurt some peoples feelings but that's why it's an option to read, nobody is making you :-)
Priority: A thing that is regarded as more important than another
We all have priorities in every stage of life...
Weather it's from doing our math homework before we get to go play with our friends outside.
Whether it's not calling out of work so you can go to the that really cool party this weekend.
Whether it's blowing off your friends so you can study for you final exams.
Whether it's meeting your husband for dinner instead of going out to a club with friends.
Whether it's realizing you have a human being in your body and you will do nothing to harm it.
Whether it's spending time with your child teaching them how to talk, walk, and be social, even if you lose your best friend over it.
Whether it's setting up a plan for that child to grow up in the best environment you possibly can provide, without putting your selfish tendencies before them.
The list goes on....
A priority is a sacrifice. What are you going to sacrifice in order to get the task done.
So, now that we are all clear on what a priority is, let's get started!
My BIGGEST problem with men and women now a days is the fact that their children are not their first priority. I see these mothers smoking and drinking while pregnant. I see parents dragging their children through 5 different men or women calling them their new mom or dad. I see mothers losing their children over something that could have been prevented with a little brain power. I see mothers getting abortions because they made one little mistake. Question: If you decided to keep that child, wouldn't you HATE yourself for ever thinking about aborting that kid?? I see mothers acting like they have no care in the world for their child unless they are in public and trying to impress and quite frankly, it absolutely disgusts me.
I am giving my mother a virtual hug right now because, even though through my teenage years I thought she was the worst mother in the world, so unfair, blah blah blah, I quickly came to realize she is the greatest mother anyone could ever ask for. She is someone who really had her priorities straight through a tough situation. She had plenty of chances to do all those bad things, smoke while pregnant, hang out with friends other than her children, had an abortion. But she didn't, she had her head on straight, and her priorities were in order. Children come first.
Love ya momma!
My second biggest problem is the fact that parents aren't willing to work in order to keep their family/self afloat. They think it's easier to cash an unemployment check, collect alimony/child support, marry rich or sell drugs to make money. No. Get off your ass and get a second, third, fourth job if you need to! Because honestly, if you have no money to make your bills and feed your family, do you really have time to go party it up with your friends?
Priorities.
I have sat back and watched these things happen in lives around me, and there is nothing you can do. People are set in their ways and really don't wanna hear how bad they suck at living their life.
Now I'm no saint by any means, but at least I have my priorities straight.
Priority: A thing that is regarded as more important than another
We all have priorities in every stage of life...
Weather it's from doing our math homework before we get to go play with our friends outside.
Whether it's not calling out of work so you can go to the that really cool party this weekend.
Whether it's blowing off your friends so you can study for you final exams.
Whether it's meeting your husband for dinner instead of going out to a club with friends.
Whether it's realizing you have a human being in your body and you will do nothing to harm it.
Whether it's spending time with your child teaching them how to talk, walk, and be social, even if you lose your best friend over it.
Whether it's setting up a plan for that child to grow up in the best environment you possibly can provide, without putting your selfish tendencies before them.
The list goes on....
A priority is a sacrifice. What are you going to sacrifice in order to get the task done.
So, now that we are all clear on what a priority is, let's get started!
My BIGGEST problem with men and women now a days is the fact that their children are not their first priority. I see these mothers smoking and drinking while pregnant. I see parents dragging their children through 5 different men or women calling them their new mom or dad. I see mothers losing their children over something that could have been prevented with a little brain power. I see mothers getting abortions because they made one little mistake. Question: If you decided to keep that child, wouldn't you HATE yourself for ever thinking about aborting that kid?? I see mothers acting like they have no care in the world for their child unless they are in public and trying to impress and quite frankly, it absolutely disgusts me.
I am giving my mother a virtual hug right now because, even though through my teenage years I thought she was the worst mother in the world, so unfair, blah blah blah, I quickly came to realize she is the greatest mother anyone could ever ask for. She is someone who really had her priorities straight through a tough situation. She had plenty of chances to do all those bad things, smoke while pregnant, hang out with friends other than her children, had an abortion. But she didn't, she had her head on straight, and her priorities were in order. Children come first.
Love ya momma!
My second biggest problem is the fact that parents aren't willing to work in order to keep their family/self afloat. They think it's easier to cash an unemployment check, collect alimony/child support, marry rich or sell drugs to make money. No. Get off your ass and get a second, third, fourth job if you need to! Because honestly, if you have no money to make your bills and feed your family, do you really have time to go party it up with your friends?
Priorities.
I have sat back and watched these things happen in lives around me, and there is nothing you can do. People are set in their ways and really don't wanna hear how bad they suck at living their life.
Now I'm no saint by any means, but at least I have my priorities straight.
Monday, October 17, 2011
BAD HEALTHCARE
A little over a year ago I was in a 3 car accident leaving Joe and I with chronic pains all over. Most of the symptoms have subsided except for this nasty back pain I was having. We decide to go to the doctor, Dr. Adams, and see what he recommends. He throws many pain killers our way and refers us to the chiropractor that practices in the same building. Joe and I are excited because we've never been to a chiropractor and have heard it feels so good! We walk on over, have our initial exam which is a whopping 5 minutes long and go off to get our back and neck cracked and...wow, it did feel pretty good. But what really got exciting was the 15 minute massage afterwards...Woo Hoo!
Yeah, this quickly wore off about 2 months in...
We weren't getting any better, in fact, we were getting worse! What kind of doctor makes you feel worse?! The medication was too strong you can't function when you take them! I ask Dr. Adams what he can give me that will null the pain but not make me as drowsy. Simple question right? He proceeds to laugh in my face and tell me that I "must be crazy to believe there is such a drug like that." And walked away....
I was in shock. And a little pissed.
I roll it off my shoulder and we tell the chiropractor that we're getting worse and what does he do? Lower our visits...
He does, however, order MRI's which proceed to tell us we have a few bulged discs in our back and that is no big deal and we can "knock them right back into place!" And sent us on our way...
WHAT THE?!?!?!?!?!
Yeah, made no sense to me either.
We are going to the doctor under a motor vehicle accident and figure we cannot switch doctors easily through it. So, we put up with this crap until May of 2011...almost a year later and still worse than ever.
Around June, we find an orthopedic surgeon to look at our backs. He was really shocked that we waited this long to see him with my back in its condition.
Understandable.
Turns out I have 2 herniated discs in my back. Not bulged.
He recommends me getting surgery on my back, no alternative methods, nothing. Just surgery.
So I decide to get a second opinion.
UUUGGGHHH!!!!!
So, my lawyer refers me to another physiatrist that she has solely been worked on by and highly recommends. Yay! Finally! But apparently he's a very busy man because he cannot see me til freakin November...
*&^$@*&^$@!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Are you seeing my frustration?!?!?
Let's just start all over because these doctors are just not working for us anymore. I do my research online and I find West Side Medical Center. I hear great reviews so I decide to give a whirl. I called and they were SUPER friendly on the phone, and thats my biggest pet peeve.- when people are mean on the phone. And I got an appointment within a few days! I'm so excited.
So, this morning was our appointment at 8:45. I was expecting a half an hour with the doctor... 45 minutes at the most. Do you know what time I left there? 11:00!! Are you kidding me? This lady actually took her time to figure out what was wrong with me. She ordered all kinds of labwork, referred me to a doctor for my back, finding out why I haven't had a freakin baby yet. I mean, I'm so impressed with this doctor and the entire center and I can't wait to see her again on Friday...
I think I'm in love with my doctor :-)
But I just wonder why the healthcare system has gone so downhill. It is so hard to find a doctor that cares. When you go to the ER everyone walks around like they absolutely hate their job. If you are that miserable with your job, please, quit and give it to someone who is laid off who will appreciate the job!
:-)
Have a great day!
Yeah, this quickly wore off about 2 months in...
We weren't getting any better, in fact, we were getting worse! What kind of doctor makes you feel worse?! The medication was too strong you can't function when you take them! I ask Dr. Adams what he can give me that will null the pain but not make me as drowsy. Simple question right? He proceeds to laugh in my face and tell me that I "must be crazy to believe there is such a drug like that." And walked away....
I was in shock. And a little pissed.
I roll it off my shoulder and we tell the chiropractor that we're getting worse and what does he do? Lower our visits...
He does, however, order MRI's which proceed to tell us we have a few bulged discs in our back and that is no big deal and we can "knock them right back into place!" And sent us on our way...
WHAT THE?!?!?!?!?!
Yeah, made no sense to me either.
We are going to the doctor under a motor vehicle accident and figure we cannot switch doctors easily through it. So, we put up with this crap until May of 2011...almost a year later and still worse than ever.
Around June, we find an orthopedic surgeon to look at our backs. He was really shocked that we waited this long to see him with my back in its condition.
Understandable.
Turns out I have 2 herniated discs in my back. Not bulged.
He recommends me getting surgery on my back, no alternative methods, nothing. Just surgery.
So I decide to get a second opinion.
UUUGGGHHH!!!!!
So, my lawyer refers me to another physiatrist that she has solely been worked on by and highly recommends. Yay! Finally! But apparently he's a very busy man because he cannot see me til freakin November...
*&^$@*&^$@!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Are you seeing my frustration?!?!?
Let's just start all over because these doctors are just not working for us anymore. I do my research online and I find West Side Medical Center. I hear great reviews so I decide to give a whirl. I called and they were SUPER friendly on the phone, and thats my biggest pet peeve.- when people are mean on the phone. And I got an appointment within a few days! I'm so excited.
So, this morning was our appointment at 8:45. I was expecting a half an hour with the doctor... 45 minutes at the most. Do you know what time I left there? 11:00!! Are you kidding me? This lady actually took her time to figure out what was wrong with me. She ordered all kinds of labwork, referred me to a doctor for my back, finding out why I haven't had a freakin baby yet. I mean, I'm so impressed with this doctor and the entire center and I can't wait to see her again on Friday...
I think I'm in love with my doctor :-)
But I just wonder why the healthcare system has gone so downhill. It is so hard to find a doctor that cares. When you go to the ER everyone walks around like they absolutely hate their job. If you are that miserable with your job, please, quit and give it to someone who is laid off who will appreciate the job!
:-)
Have a great day!
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Who knew babies could break your heart?
This medication, medroxyprogesterone...say what?!?
Well what the doctor so nicely forgot to mention was how sick it would make me...
Yuck, and I have to take this for 7 days?!?
What a long week this is going to be...
Lets rewind a little bit...
Fathers day of 2010:
Sitting around the dinner table just the two of us enjoying a meal of chicken sandwiches and I'm complaining that I just don't feel that lovely... I was achey and tired and just all in all not in a great mood. He looks at me and asks... "babe, are you pregnant?" I couldn't have laughed in his face any harder! Me?? Pregnant?? We've only been dating for 7 months! Theres no way... He decides to run to the drugstore and pick up a test, he returned and I couldn't wait to take that test and prove to him I wasn't pregnant!
3 minutes later.
Pregnant...
Are you kidding me?
I'm 20 years old, not married, with this man for 7 months, and I'm pregnant? I thought this would never happen to me. I thought I'd have a career going, a husband, a house, let alone a room to put this baby in. Can I raise a baby? Yeah I worked in a childrens nursery for 5 years, it's not the same! I would just call someones parents if the child got out of hand. I'm having a baby.... I'm having a baby! And the most wonderful man is going to be the father!! I haven't told him yet, i gotta get out of this bathroom and tell him.
"Babe?" while holding the test
"No way.."
"I'm pregnant!"
The amount of love that came out of his eyes. The amount of joy that was in this room at this moment when we jumped into eachothers arms. We kissed and hugged and cried because we're having a baby! We couldn't have been more excited. We get on the phone with everybody we knew. People we haven't talked to in years we called and told. We wanted to shout it from our itty bitty apartment rooftop. We laid in bed that night thinking of names, and we came up with Colyn if it's a boy and Clarissa if it's a girl. I can't believe we're having a baby...
The next morning, I set up a doctors appointment to figure out what the hell do I do now? They give me my prenatal vitamins, we discuss a healthy diet, and in 6 weeks they will do the first ultra sound. I am so excited! I get to see this being in my body, I actually get to see him or her!
*Sigh* I can't wait
A week or so later on July 4th...
"Babe, I'm starting to bleed..."
I call a few parents to see what they recommend and I'm told if it gets worse, go to the ER.
It got worse...
7:00pm We arrive at the ER. Tell them whats happening and we wait.... and wait, and wait...
1:00am "Denise?" Yes! Finally someone to see me! I follow the nurse into this little room and she gives me a gown to put on and lay on the bed. And I wait...
3:00am "Denise? Time for an ultra sound" I'm excited. I'm scared. I'm wheeled down the hallway to this freezing cold room. I have to pee like the dickens but I'm not allowed to! The Ultrasound Technician asks "how far along are you?" I tell her i'm not sure but somewhere within 6-8 weeks. She looks back at the monitor. "See this right here? This could be something but I doubt it is... according to what I see you are not pregnant."
I could have killed her...
She was the meanest women I've ever met. No remorse. It's like she hated her job that much and couldn't wait for her shift to be over, and shoved me out of the room like I was nothing. I'm taken back to my room and we wait for the doctor to discharge us.
7:45am "Alright, Denise and Joe, we can't say for sure you've miscarried but it doesn't look like the baby is still there, tomorrow go take some more tests and we will know for sure."
*sigh* I don't know if I was more mad for waiting over 12 hours for a job that could've been done in 1, or if I was just so overly exhausted I didn't care about anything.
Long story short, I miscarried.
I cried for days on end, I couldn't do anything... I could barely get out of bed. I never thought in a million years that I would lose a baby. It didn't make sense. I thought miscarriages happened because the mother was neglecting their duties as a mother? I thought in order to miscarry you need to do something to harm that baby. Smoking, drinking, drugs? I didn't do anything. Why on earth did I miscarry? I ate my veggies, I took my vitamins like clockwork. What did we do wrong?!
We want to try again. We live out lives day to day, we do our same routine, I enroll in school and begin my path to a career.
November 15th, 2010.
I'm pregnant!!
I'm stressed, I'm scared, I'm excited, I'm nervous.
Do I tell people this time?
We told our parents so we'd have some support system.
I call my doctor and and she sends me for blood tests right away. They came back low on a few hormones and she told me that can be normal we'll take a few more just to be sure. A week later, on the day before thanksgiving, I start to bleed.
Oh my goodness not again... I can't do this again. We cannot take another devastation like this.
November 25th, 2010 Thankgiving Day.
We put on smiles and eat lots of a food. This is a day for family and being close to everyone and nothing is going to bring us down, but damn it I had to pee!
What I saw changed my life...
The remanence...
I can't...
We left thanksgiving early, went home, and I cried...
The doctors were all on vacation, I couldn't get a hold of anyone, I'm not sitting in an ER for 13 hours.
Monday morning I went for lab work and it confirmed our greatest fear...
Another miscarriage.
We cried for days... I didn't do anything wrong? And this time we were careful! I took my vitamins, and ate my veggies...
We're told there is nothing they can do until a year of trying and/or 3 miscarriages.
What a rough couple of months...
"Babe, lets do things right..."
We get engaged, get married, accept god into our lives and just live our lives.
1 year later, still no pregnancy, no end in sight really.
And that's why babies are breaking our heart...
Fast forward back to reality!
After a year of trying to concieve with no success, we call our doctor with concern and back to that yucky medicine. They will do some hormone testing to see what I'm low on and we'll go from there, right?
Well what the doctor so nicely forgot to mention was how sick it would make me...
Yuck, and I have to take this for 7 days?!?
What a long week this is going to be...
Lets rewind a little bit...
Fathers day of 2010:
Sitting around the dinner table just the two of us enjoying a meal of chicken sandwiches and I'm complaining that I just don't feel that lovely... I was achey and tired and just all in all not in a great mood. He looks at me and asks... "babe, are you pregnant?" I couldn't have laughed in his face any harder! Me?? Pregnant?? We've only been dating for 7 months! Theres no way... He decides to run to the drugstore and pick up a test, he returned and I couldn't wait to take that test and prove to him I wasn't pregnant!
3 minutes later.
Pregnant...
Are you kidding me?
I'm 20 years old, not married, with this man for 7 months, and I'm pregnant? I thought this would never happen to me. I thought I'd have a career going, a husband, a house, let alone a room to put this baby in. Can I raise a baby? Yeah I worked in a childrens nursery for 5 years, it's not the same! I would just call someones parents if the child got out of hand. I'm having a baby.... I'm having a baby! And the most wonderful man is going to be the father!! I haven't told him yet, i gotta get out of this bathroom and tell him.
"Babe?" while holding the test
"No way.."
"I'm pregnant!"
The amount of love that came out of his eyes. The amount of joy that was in this room at this moment when we jumped into eachothers arms. We kissed and hugged and cried because we're having a baby! We couldn't have been more excited. We get on the phone with everybody we knew. People we haven't talked to in years we called and told. We wanted to shout it from our itty bitty apartment rooftop. We laid in bed that night thinking of names, and we came up with Colyn if it's a boy and Clarissa if it's a girl. I can't believe we're having a baby...
The next morning, I set up a doctors appointment to figure out what the hell do I do now? They give me my prenatal vitamins, we discuss a healthy diet, and in 6 weeks they will do the first ultra sound. I am so excited! I get to see this being in my body, I actually get to see him or her!
*Sigh* I can't wait
A week or so later on July 4th...
"Babe, I'm starting to bleed..."
I call a few parents to see what they recommend and I'm told if it gets worse, go to the ER.
It got worse...
7:00pm We arrive at the ER. Tell them whats happening and we wait.... and wait, and wait...
1:00am "Denise?" Yes! Finally someone to see me! I follow the nurse into this little room and she gives me a gown to put on and lay on the bed. And I wait...
3:00am "Denise? Time for an ultra sound" I'm excited. I'm scared. I'm wheeled down the hallway to this freezing cold room. I have to pee like the dickens but I'm not allowed to! The Ultrasound Technician asks "how far along are you?" I tell her i'm not sure but somewhere within 6-8 weeks. She looks back at the monitor. "See this right here? This could be something but I doubt it is... according to what I see you are not pregnant."
I could have killed her...
She was the meanest women I've ever met. No remorse. It's like she hated her job that much and couldn't wait for her shift to be over, and shoved me out of the room like I was nothing. I'm taken back to my room and we wait for the doctor to discharge us.
7:45am "Alright, Denise and Joe, we can't say for sure you've miscarried but it doesn't look like the baby is still there, tomorrow go take some more tests and we will know for sure."
*sigh* I don't know if I was more mad for waiting over 12 hours for a job that could've been done in 1, or if I was just so overly exhausted I didn't care about anything.
Long story short, I miscarried.
I cried for days on end, I couldn't do anything... I could barely get out of bed. I never thought in a million years that I would lose a baby. It didn't make sense. I thought miscarriages happened because the mother was neglecting their duties as a mother? I thought in order to miscarry you need to do something to harm that baby. Smoking, drinking, drugs? I didn't do anything. Why on earth did I miscarry? I ate my veggies, I took my vitamins like clockwork. What did we do wrong?!
We want to try again. We live out lives day to day, we do our same routine, I enroll in school and begin my path to a career.
November 15th, 2010.
I'm pregnant!!
I'm stressed, I'm scared, I'm excited, I'm nervous.
Do I tell people this time?
We told our parents so we'd have some support system.
I call my doctor and and she sends me for blood tests right away. They came back low on a few hormones and she told me that can be normal we'll take a few more just to be sure. A week later, on the day before thanksgiving, I start to bleed.
Oh my goodness not again... I can't do this again. We cannot take another devastation like this.
November 25th, 2010 Thankgiving Day.
We put on smiles and eat lots of a food. This is a day for family and being close to everyone and nothing is going to bring us down, but damn it I had to pee!
What I saw changed my life...
The remanence...
I can't...
We left thanksgiving early, went home, and I cried...
The doctors were all on vacation, I couldn't get a hold of anyone, I'm not sitting in an ER for 13 hours.
Monday morning I went for lab work and it confirmed our greatest fear...
Another miscarriage.
We cried for days... I didn't do anything wrong? And this time we were careful! I took my vitamins, and ate my veggies...
We're told there is nothing they can do until a year of trying and/or 3 miscarriages.
What a rough couple of months...
"Babe, lets do things right..."
We get engaged, get married, accept god into our lives and just live our lives.
1 year later, still no pregnancy, no end in sight really.
And that's why babies are breaking our heart...
Fast forward back to reality!
After a year of trying to concieve with no success, we call our doctor with concern and back to that yucky medicine. They will do some hormone testing to see what I'm low on and we'll go from there, right?
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